You’re Not Trapped — You’re on a Swing. Forgiveness Gets You Off

Newsletter Issue #054 | Discover why we revisit the same emotional pain, and how to finally step off the ride

I’m truly grateful that so many of you have shared your thoughts, questions, and reflections on forgiveness. In this piece, I’ll address some of the most common themes that emerged — but first, let’s lay the foundation for this conversation.

As Carl Gustav Jung once said, there is not a single person, relationship, circumstance, or situation in our lives that wasn’t first present in our subconscious. Everything that lives in the subconscious eventually finds a way to materialize in our outer reality. Since over 95% of our mind operates at the subconscious and unconscious level, it’s no surprise that we often want one thing consciously (with just 3–5% of our mind) — and experience something entirely different in reality.

This is a crucial insight. It’s easy to dismiss, but deeply important.

None of us consciously wishes to be hurt. And yet, it happens. Why? Because the seed of that possibility exists within our subconscious.

There are three main reasons that a seed may be there:

1. We came into this material world to gain experience.
   Most of the time, we don’t consciously remember what kind of experience we came for, but our internal programs — embedded deep in the subconscious — guide us straight to it. We only need to observe our own life to understand the themes that are playing out.
   

2. We are balancing karmic lessons.
   As the saying goes: “As you sow, so shall you reap.” Whether or not we remember the origins of this karma is irrelevant — its balancing force still plays out.
   

3. We hold a strong resistance or judgment toward something.
   These are the topics we react to most strongly, saying things like, “I would never…,” or “I can’t stand people who…”. These rigid stances often set us up to live out both sides of that very theme — whether as victim or perpetrator, deceived or deceiver.
   

Years ago, I attended a powerful workshop led by Gregg Braden, author of The Divine Matrix. He shared how, within just a few days, he was robbed by several (unrelated) people — all of whom were very close to him. In reflecting on the experience, he realized that for years, he’d been loudly and consistently expressing his contempt for people who lie, cheat, or steal. He didn’t just disapprove — he despised them. And eventually, those very themes came crashing into his life.

Why? Because they were deeply planted in his subconscious. And what’s embedded there eventually surfaces.

We live in a dualistic world — every topic has two sides. Whatever we focus on, we’ll end up experiencing from both angles.

Think of each theme as a swing: one moment, we’re on one side; the next, we’re on the other. As long as we stay on that swing, we’ll continue moving between victim and aggressor, betrayed and betrayer. The harder we push away from one side, the harder we swing to the other. That’s why we often feel the urge to respond to pain with more pain.

But that’s not the point of this message. I’m not suggesting we throw up our hands and say, “Well, it’s all buried in my subconscious — or it’s karma — or it’s because I judged someone. Guess I have to suffer.”

No. The real goal is to transcend all of that. To move beyond conditioning, beyond karma, beyond unconscious programming.

To do that, we must learn how to get off the swing — no matter which of the three reasons got us onto it.

And the very first step in getting off the swing is: forgiveness.

Since many of your questions and reflections touched on similar themes, I’ve paraphrased a few of the most common ones here:

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“I can’t forgive because I’ve been wronged. It feels like forgiving would mean I’m saying the injustice was okay. What then?”

This is one of the most common inner dilemmas.

Often, we feel we’ve been wronged — but we don’t always know whether what happened was truly an injustice, or whether, at a higher level, something was simply being corrected. There is a higher intelligence with a broader view than ours.

What’s certain is this: by refusing to forgive, we don’t undo the harm. Instead, we hold on to anger, pain, resentment — emotions that continue to hurt us. We remain tied to the situation and unknowingly “water the seed” for a similar experience to occur again.

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“Is it okay to forgive, but not forget?”

That depends on how we remember.

If we recall the event wrapped in the same emotions it once triggered, then it’s not true forgiveness. We’re still “drinking the same poison.” That’s mental forgiveness — a concept in our minds, not a transformation in our hearts.

But if we remember the lesson without emotional attachment to the pain we went through, that memory becomes a gift.

Experience is not what happened to us — it’s what we learned from it.

“I feel a strong need for the person who hurt me to feel what I felt. I think I could forgive if I saw them suffer. If I had hurt them back, maybe then I could let go. Is that okay?”

There’s a saying: “If you seek revenge, dig two graves.”

This doesn’t only apply to actions — it includes the thoughts and emotions we carry. This is the classic “swing” dynamic. When we’re hurt and our desire to hurt back intensifies, we remain on that same swing, just with greater momentum. The emotional charge grows, and the likelihood of re-living a similar experience increases.

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“The person who hurt me doesn’t deserve forgiveness. At most, they deserve my contempt. Wouldn’t it be better if I just ignored them and moved on?”

Here’s the key: Forgiveness isn’t about the other person.
It’s not about whether they deserve it. It’s about you, your experience, and your healing.

If you ignore someone without processing the event, you're only pretending to be at peace. The unresolved pain still lives within you, waiting for another chance to surface. You can’t be at peace and remain on the emotional swing at the same time.

Forgiveness — not ignoring — is the path to peace.

“I try to just sweep it under the rug, let time pass, or look for where I went wrong. But none of that brings relief — in fact, it makes it worse. Is there a technique for forgiveness?”

Yes — and it’s called reframing.

Reframing means consciously and deliberately changing the meaning we give to what happened. Our emotional experience is shaped not just by what occurred, but by what it meant to us.

Two people can go through the exact same situation and come out with completely different emotional responses — because of the meaning they assigned to it.

And it’s that meaning that creates our internal experience — with all the emotions that follow.

Forgiveness Technique - Reframing

First, it's important to suspend all thoughts that begin with “But they are to me... But I am to them... Why...”

We must recognize that this isn’t about other people. It’s about us. The question of “why” is not necessary for us to answer.

This technique works best when we are calm and relaxed. For example, after meditation.

The first step is to accept the event as it is.

Then, accept all the emotions and circumstances that it brought with it. Finally, accept ourselves in the presence of those emotions and circumstances. This means no denial, no blame, and no self-pity. We accept both the objective facts and our subjective experience.

Next, imagine there is a “Causality Bank.”

This Bank is managed by God, the Universe, Higher Consciousness, Logos, Creation — whatever name you wish to give to the intelligence that oversees all of life’s laws.

Imagine that you’ve come to the Bank to check your account balance.

If you’re “in the red” (you have some karmic debt), this event is a perfect opportunity to pay it back. It’s like a good friend lending you a thousand dollars when you needed it. You’ll repay that debt with gratitude.

Instead of seeing the event as an injustice, look at it from a wider lens — as a debt repayment. This new perspective will stir entirely different emotions.

If your balance is zero or positive, you can now deposit this event into your account, so you can “withdraw some good fortune” when you need it.

In either case, the balance of your Causality Bank is better after this event than before.

From this new point of view, the person who hurt you becomes irrelevant. You automatically forgive them because the situation is no longer about that person. Forgiveness becomes a personal journey — it’s about you.

Whether or not the person has apologized is their issue, not yours. It has nothing to do with you. Your peace and your life should never depend on someone else’s level of maturity.

Once again, forgiveness is your work. You do it for yourself.

The final step in this technique is to reflect on what you’ve learned from this experience and how it has changed you.

Based on this insight, you’ll make decisions about the issue and the people involved. Some relationships may end, others may deepen. Some habits and beliefs may change, while new ones may take root.

The true essence of the process is about what we choose to carry forward from this experience into our future.

I encourage you to try this technique. Once you go through the process, you’ll realize that it isn’t about other people on an emotional level at all. Forgiveness will feel natural and automatic. Moreover, you’ll experience a deeper closeness to yourself.

This isn’t the closeness the ego craves when it seeks apologies or revenge. It’s the true support you can offer yourself.

By forgiving, you’re giving yourself a priceless gift. Forgiveness isn’t a sign of weakness, but of strength and greatness.

Feel free to share your experiences with this technique.

In the end, one important question remains: What if I can’t forgive myself? The feelings of guilt and how to address them will be explored in the next Free issue.

The topic of the next Paid issue will be: How to Stop the Inertia of Negative Events.

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I always look forward to your questions, suggestions, and comments. I read every letter, message, comment, and question carefully, and the answers will be included in some of the upcoming editions.