3 Necessary Steps to Change Habits That No One Talks About

Newsletter Issue #038 | Why it is difficult to change habits and how to do it quickly, successfully, and permanently

We have all seen people trying to change some of their habits, and we have seen that it is not easy at all. Regardless of which habit you want to change, the goal is always that the change will lead you to better life circumstances and a better quality of life. However, the outcome depends on the way you do it. It is difficult and often unsuccessful because most people "have a habit of changing the habit" in the wrong way.

The whole process of changing habits usually proceeds as follows:

• We don't like our circumstances, results, or lifestyle - for example, we're overweight, we're failing university exams, we are in debt;

• People around us suggest that our outcome X is caused by our behavior Y—for example, you are overweight because you eat uncontrollably in the evening in front of the TV, you don't study regularly but on a campaign basis a few days before the exam, and you spend money irrationally without a plan;

• In the beginning, we deny those causes and give excuses - metabolism and genetics are to blame, I didn't have time to study every day, I really wanted to relax a little financially;

• However, as those excuses dig us even deeper into an unwanted situation, we finally decide to do "something," which is to change our habits;

• We make a firm decision that "from Monday," we will go on a diet; "from the next semester," we will study regularly; "from the next salary," we will make plans and rationally manage our money;

• If we really decide that, we will invest all our strength in changing our behavior. Notice how much energy is spent trying to behave in a new way. We will miss that energy in other aspects of life.

• Because of this, we very quickly return to our old behavior—most often, even more radically than before the attempt to change. So now some people have even more weight than they had, some put off preparing for the exam even more, and some "fall" into even more significant debts.

This process applies to all kinds of habits that we want to change, from years of addiction (drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.) to "harmless" habits (excessive playing of games or watching TV series, untidiness, physical inactivity, etc.).

Habits have good intentions for us

Certain behaviors become habits by repeating them enough times that they become automatic.

Namely, the "habit system" is designed to help us have more energy and time.

When we persistently behave in the same way in the same situations (for example, we brush our teeth every morning), the "program - system for habits" is activated and tells us the following:

"You don't have to worry about this anymore; you don't have to think and decide; I'm here to take you to the bathroom every morning to brush your teeth. That is my concern now. When you wake up, you can think about other things."

When we try to change a habit, we are fighting a program that has good intentions for us and is just looking for a way to fulfill its obligation.

So, for example, if we decide that meditation will be the first thing we do when we wake up, we will have the urge to get up in the middle of meditation and brush our teeth.

This is a simple example that can be applied to changing any habit.

A habit is much more than a behavior

Habit is manifested through behavior; however, it is structured on two deeper levels: the level of emotions and the level of identity.

Each of our behaviors results in a particular emotional state. Whatever we do, we feel a certain way. Whether the emotion we feel is pleasant or not, that emotion becomes our habit if we feel that way often.

Our "program - system for habits" is not designed to recognize pleasant and unpleasant emotions for us. It recognizes frequent repetitions and turns them into a program, into a habit.

No matter how strange it seems to us rationally, we are conditioned to feel a certain way, e.g., sad, happy, angry, worried, dissatisfied, etc.

The program works for us and will look for ways to provide us with the experience and conditions to feel how we feel most frequently.

When a particular emotional state lasts longer, it becomes a state of being, our identity.

And now the habit is solid and grounded in all three levels:

• Behavioral level - the surface level of the habit at which the habit manifests itself (e.g., uncontrolled consumption of food in the evening)

• Emotion level - a deeper level of a habit that gives us a certain feeling, which over time becomes a secondary benefit of that habit (e.g., enjoying a late dinner in front of the TV)

• Identity level - the deepest level of habit we identify - we start a sentence with "I," (e.g., I always end the day by...)

  

A fundamental mistake in changing a habit

When they want to change an outcome or circumstance, most people try to change a habit at the behavioral level. That doesn't work. It is too difficult, often unsuccessful, and occasionally counterproductive.

You can do a little mental exercise yourself to see how it goes.

Think of changing your habit so that instead of behavior X, you implement behavior Y. Relax and imagine that you have started implementing the new behavior Y.

Do you hear a voice in your head that starts talking to you using two concise and powerful words: BUT and I.

Most people will hear a voice in their head telling them something along the lines of: BUT when I do X, I feel… or BUT when I do X I AM… or BUT behavior X is good for ME because it gives ME (a feeling, an opportunity, etc.).

The stories of secondary benefit and/or loss of identity are endless.

That's where we lose all our strength. It's too hard, and it takes us into the unknown.

We don't know who we'll be if we're not that person who acts and feels the way we're used to feeling.

Proven three steps for changing habit

To successfully and easily change a habit and achieve the desired outcomes and circumstances, we must take the opposite approach.

The process should follow three steps. By answering the questions, we empower ourselves and give meaning to the change we want.

The first step

What kind of person do I want to become? What benefits does such a person have that I don't have? What will be better and different in my life when I become such a person? What goals does it have? In which direction is he leading his life?

WHY is all of this IMPORTANT TO ME?

Here, we open the vision and connect with our values. This step is the force that will PULL US through the change process. We should clearly see the benefits of changing our habits and look forward to becoming that new person.

The answer to the "why question" will strengthen us because it connects us to our values ​​and gives us an essential reason for change.

The second step

How does such a person feel? What does he think? What does he believe in? I don't mean a religious belief but a belief about a specific topic.

WHAT DO I NEED for ME to feel, think, and have such beliefs?

Having connected with our vision and values ​​in the previous step, we now need to give ourselves WHAT WE NEED to think and feel how we need.

For example, maybe some people eat uncontrollably in front of the TV in the evening because that food "fills the hole," which is not in the stomach but actually is a lack of closeness, love, etc.

We must find out what we REALLY NEED and then find a "healthier" way to give it to ourselves.

The third step

How does such a person behave? How does he walk, breathe, sit, speak, react?

WHAT'S PREVENTING ME from behaving in that way?

In the third step, we must become aware of what prevents us from changing. We must remove limiting beliefs that stand in our way and install new supportive beliefs rooted in our vision and values.

Only now is the time to change our behavior. We will become "that person" who is clear about her big "Why," who is clear about what she actually needs, and who has found a better way to give it to herself.

Here, changing behavior means much more than depriving ourselves of something. We need to find a new BALANCE of being.

With a new way of holding the body, breathing, speaking, and thinking, we become a better-upgraded version of ourselves.

You don't have to wrestle with the giant - choose the easy way

In this process, it is crucial to be honest in your communication with yourself and to tell yourself the truth.

In this way, we "dismantle" the programs. All those thoughts that lead us to the "blessings of secondary benefit" that begin with "BUT ME" begin to lose strength because we have "armed ourselves" with counterarguments that make more sense to us.

We can notice that the mind likes to lead us around when we try to make some changes, only to discourage us. That is why it is crucial to be as honest and direct as possible in your answers. When we notice that the answer to a question is not essential, we have to ask more deeply.

After we make changes on an identity and emotional level, we will get a natural urge to change our behavior. It will no longer be a struggle like wrestling with a giant.

We don't have to FORCE and PRESSURE ourselves, but we will be PULLED by the new meaning we gave to that change at the level of identity and emotions.

It is easier to get to the top of a hill with a horse when the horse is pulling you than when you are pushing it.

Changing behavior does not mean denying ourselves something. We need to do it so that, through the whole process of changing habits, we feel that we gain more than we lose.

Not only should it not be difficult for us, but it should also be joyful, easy, and exciting. We should discover a better version of ourselves and become it.

I'm always eager to hear your stories. Have you successfully changed a habit? How is your experience? Do you want to change a habit? What's stopping you?

I look forward to your stories, comments, questions and likes.